#20 JooBee's newsletter

TL;DR

🎭 Conflict in start-ups: From drama to empowerment

🧢 Leaders, know what ‘hat’ you wear in conflict

💥 Start-up career hacks with Merita Ramadani, VP People (exclusive content)

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Conflict in start-ups: From drama to empowerment

As an HR leader, my team and I are often among the first to be made aware of such issues as Sales and Engineering arguing over project priorities, executives clashing over strategic decisions, project leaders disputing decision-making authority, Product blaming the Sales team for missed targets, or team members disagreeing over roles and responsibilities. These conflicts can significantly impact team dynamics and productivity.

When helping individuals or teams address conflict, I often turn to Stephen Karpman's 🔻Drama Triangle, a classic model that I've found invaluable for understanding conflict dynamics.

Spotting the hats: Persecutor, Saviour and Victim

😠 The Persecutor hat
Think of the Persecutor as the blame-gamer. They often say things like, "It’s all your/their fault," focusing on others' flaws rather than the issues at hand. Their drive is to be right, even if it means others get thrown under the bus. Criticism is their tool of the trade.

🤗 The Saviour hat
The Saviour rushes in to "fix" everything, often saying, "Let me do it for you." They might seem noble, but their actions can undermine others’ abilities, creating dependency rather than empowerment. Their motivation? To be needed and liked.

😞 The Victim hat
The Victim feels wronged and powerless, often lamenting, "This always happens to me." They see themselves at the mercy of external forces and use this role to avoid responsibility (many times unconsciously).

Role dynamics: The shifting hats

In a heated moment, you’ll see these roles swapping around like musical chairs.

• Persecutor to Victim: When blame turns around, they become defensive.

• Saviour to Persecutor/Victim: When their efforts aren’t valued, they may blame others or feel hopeless.

• Victim to Persecutor: When the situation persists, they start blaming others.

Breaking free: Moving from ‘Drama’ to ‘Empowerment’

You won't resolve conflicts or build a healthy work environment unless you recognise these hats and move beyond the personal motivations that drive Persecutor, Saviour, and Victim behaviour.

It’s all about shifting from being driven by personal needs (to be right, needed, or avoid responsibility) to focusing on collective goals. To achieve this, you need to change hats! 🧢

Persecutor ➡️ Challenger hat

• Mindset shift: Focus on the issue, not the person.

• Action: Share truth constructively to challenge others to resolve the problem together (without blame).

Saviour ➡️ Coach hat

• Mindset shift: Believe in others’ ability to solve their own problems.

• Action: Asking questions that help them make informed choices and solve their own problems.

Victim ➡️ Creator hat

• Mindset shift: Focus on outcomes and proactive steps instead of problems.

• Action: Create small steps towards the desired outcome.

By changing the hat one wears, we try to move from the Dreaded Drama Triangle (DDT) to The Empowerment Dynamic (TED) and create healthier and more productive working relationships.

3 Practical steps to foster empowerment

1️⃣ Create awareness
Train your team to recognise when they’re donning the Persecutor, Saviour, or Victim hats. Awareness is the first step to change.

2️⃣ Move from individual motivation to team goals
Encourage a collective goal-oriented mindset. Ask, “What are we trying to achieve together?” instead of “Who is to blame?”

3️⃣ Model behaviour
As a leader, demonstrate the behaviour you want to see. Show how to challenge constructively, coach effectively, and create proactively.

Conflicts in start-ups are inevitable, but how you handle them can make all the difference. By recognising and transforming the roles in the Drama Triangle into those of the Empowerment Dynamics, you can foster a more collaborative and productive environment. 

So, next time you spot a conflict brewing, don’t just react – be aware of the hats being worn and guide your team towards a more empowered approach.

Leaders, know what ‘hat’ you wear in conflict 

To resolve conflict effectively, one must first recognise and admit their own role within it. 

In conflict situations, we can unwittingly wear the hats of Persecutor, Saviour, or Victim of the Dreaded Drama Triangle. Most people react to conflicts with subconsciously learned behaviours, often without realising it. As leaders, it's crucial to be aware of the tendencies we exhibit during conflicts.

Recognising my natural tendency: Wearing the Persecutor hat

Through feedback, I realised that my natural inclination is to slip on the Persecutor hat. When something goes wrong, I often ask, "Why did that happen?" or "How could that happen?" You might think these are fair questions or that it’s natural to want to know what happened. Now, try reading those questions with an annoyed tone. With that tone, people immediately become defensive, leading to a slippery slope into a blame game.

Although I don't want to make others feel blamed, it's hard to catch myself in the act. So, here are 2 tips that worked for me to switch from the Persecutor to the Challenger hat:

1️⃣ finding the strongest motivation to change and

2️⃣ fix the roof while the sun is shining.

 1️⃣ Find the strongest motivation to change

I made a massive mistake by copying Ewen (name changed) into a sensitive email that I shouldn’t have (I still cringe years later thinking of that mistake😖). My CTO, who was also copied in that email and sitting two tables in front of me, waved me over and informed me of the error. At that moment, I wanted the floor to open up and swallow me😫. I was bracing for a tongue lashing, but all he said was, "Here’s what we are going to do about X, and what are you going to do about Y?" - all in a matter-of-fact tone.

I was apologising profusely, and although he said he accepted my apology, I continued to apologise. He then stopped me and said, "JooBee, I accept your apology. We need to resolve this, take ownership, and talk to Ewen. If you want, we can discuss this incident once it’s resolved." I pulled myself together, and we went on to solve the problem. I never made that mistake again!

Experiencing the impact of a leader wearing a Challenger hat instead of a Persecutor hat, even when I felt I deserved to be thoroughly reprimanded, profoundly reshaped my perspective. This experience forms the strongest motivational foundation for the impact I strive to have as a leader for others. It wasn't just a logical realisation (this is what great leaders should do); it was a deeply rooted emotional one (this is the impact great leaders can have on others). 

2️⃣ Fix the roof while the sun is shining

In the heat of the moment, it's easy to react emotionally (not my ideal self). Instead, I want to react according to my plan (what my ideal self would do).

Here are the steps in my plan that I would take when I slip into the Persecutor role:

• Solve the problem at hand first (be part of the problem-solving).

• Unpack the causes.

• Set expectations for the future.

• Ask the person what they would do to prevent it from happening again.

This change does not happen overnight; I still need to catch myself. However, my measure of success is that my team never hesitates to come to me, even when the 💩 hits the fan.

Remember, as leaders, we are often called upon to resolve conflicts. It's essential to be aware of the Drama Triangle hats we might unconsciously slip into —Persecutor, Saviour, or Victim—and strive to adopt the Challenger, Coach, or Creator hats instead.

Automation can elevate your career

The mistake I made

In one of my start-ups, after receiving funding, we launched into a hiring frenzy. We were hiring at breakneck speed, making hires on an average of 10 people per day. This meant that after hours, I would spend about 2-3 hours (15 minutes on average per contract) ensuring that candidates were hired compliantly. I was putting in 80-100 hours a week, but the pace of the business was outstripping the capacity of my HR team to keep up.

The one thing I wish I knew to avoid that mistake

Automation is king, and implementing automation before funding hits the bank is even better! When the HR team lacks automation, no matter how many people we hire, all our hours will be consumed by the increased volume of administrative work that accompanies start-up growth. This also means I'll constantly be playing catch-up, firefighting instead of proactively planning for new business challenges that arise from expansion.

One tip to hack your career in start-ups

If you're an HR leader in startups, prioritise automation in your strategy! Start by mapping out processes you want to streamline or enhance. This gives you a clear view of the bigger picture, helps identify gaps, and facilitates task automation. Ensure you have the right tools in place to enable automation effectively. For instance, in the hiring process, integrating background checks into the ATS (Applicant Tracking System) can significantly reduce contract generation time, allowing everything to happen with just a few clicks. This reduces the contract sending time to 3-5 minutes, enhancing efficiency. 

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