#31 JooBee's newsletter

TL;DR

🙈 Time to give an F (or 4Fs) in Performance Conversations

💊  A manager’s journey from know-it-all to learn-it-all 

❓ Your views on Performance Conversations

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Time to give an F (or 4Fs) in Performance Conversations

Here’s the first rule of Performance Conversations: #NoSuprises. If you’ve been giving regular feedback in your 1:1s, a more formal summary of feedback at the end of the year should feel like the final chapter of a book your team member has been reading all year, not a shocking plot twist that leaves your team member saying, “Wait, what just happened?”

That said, even with consistent feedback, these conversations can feel a bit… uncomfortable. Why? Because emotions often come into play, and managing emotions in a professional context can be challenging. But challenging doesn’t mean bad—it means important. 

The 4Fs Framework for Performance Conversations 

This framework was designed by Lauren Gomes and Jo Tincey to help managers navigate performance conversations:

1. Framing – Start by setting the context: “Here’s what this conversation is about, and here’s what to expect.”

2. Feedback – Share specific, actionable observations about their performance.

3. Feelings – Make space for the individual to share their perspective or emotions.

4. Future – Wrap it up by looking ahead to goals, development opportunities and how they can level up.

The inclusion of Feelings in this framework isn’t just a nice-to-have; it’s a necessity. 

To truly excel, your team members need to feel personally invested in their work. So, when you’re summarising their performance, emotions are bound to surface—pride, satisfaction, disappointment, frustration, or even a mix of them all. It’s important to acknowledge these emotions and make space for them rather than ignore them.

Handling emotions: Label, Listen and Learn

In my experience working with leaders, many freeze when emotions arise. Their internal dialogue often goes something like: Should I ignore this? Stay strictly professional? Pretend I didn’t notice the misty eyes or the tight-lipped frown? 

🙅🏻‍♀️Nope. Ignoring emotions doesn’t make them disappear—it makes them fester.

Instead, use the Label, Listen, Learn approach:

1. LABEL the emotion you’re observing

Start with a simple observation to open up the conversation. Try something like:

• “It looks like you’re surprised by this feedback.”

• “It sounds like you’re disappointed with what I just shared.”

• “It feels like you’re worried about what’s expected.”

The key here is invitation, not judgment. You’re inviting your team member to share how they’re feeling—not telling them how they should feel.

2. LISTEN to understand, not to solve

When someone starts sharing their emotions, resist the urge to jump in with solutions. Yes, it’s tempting. Yes, it feels like the fastest way to ease the tension. But solving their emotions isn’t the goal. 

Instead, focus on understanding. Ask open-ended questions to dig deeper:

• “Can you tell me more about why this feels frustrating?”

• “What’s making you feel uncertain?”

• “How do you see this impacting your work or goals?”

Listen with curiosity and empathy. Sometimes, simply being heard is all they need.

3. LEARN together so you can move forward together

The ultimate goal is to understand what’s behind the emotion. What matters to them? What’s frustrating, confusing, or concerning them?

This isn’t just about resolving the emotions—it’s about helping both of you understand what’s driving the emotion so that both of you can move forward together. Understanding their perspective equips you to support them better, whether that’s through clearer expectations, more resources or simply being more aligned moving forward.

Set healthy boundaries as a leader

Let’s get one thing straight: You’re not their therapist, parent or bestie. Your role as a manager is to hold performance expectations and provide support—but that support has boundaries.

Making space for emotions doesn’t mean taking responsibility for them. If someone’s feelings are too intense to continue the conversation productively, it’s okay to hit pause. Here’s how you might say it: “I can see that you’re feeling upset. Let’s take a 10-minute breather, and when we come back, you can tell me more about what’s going on.”

Pausing doesn’t mean avoiding. It means acknowledging that heightened emotions might temporarily block clarity and receptiveness. But make sure they know the conversation isn’t over—it’s just on hold.

Leverage support to help you and your team member 

As much as you care about your team, you don’t have to do it all alone. If your company has wellbeing support services, encourage your team members to use them. If they need additional training or tools to meet performance expectations, advocate for those resources on their behalf. Supporting someone’s growth isn’t just about tough conversations—it’s about enabling their success.

To bring it all together, the end-of-year Performance Conversations is a chance to reflect, summarise and plan. With empathy, space for open dialogue and a focus on growth, it becomes meaningful—not uncomfortable.

A manager’s journey from know-it-all to learn-it-all 

When I was a first-time manager, watching my new team member wipe her tears, one thought took me over: I have to fix this. She’s smart, capable and clearly struggling. Surely, I just need to show her how to handle this, and everything will be fine.

While she talked, I started taking notes. As she kept going, my inner problem-solver kicked into overdrive. In my head, I was already mapping out the issues and crafting a plan. By the time she finished, I had a literal flowchart on my notepad—no joke, my brain organises problems this way 😬.

When she finally paused, I said:  “I think I’ve got it!” I said, showing her my masterpiece. “Here’s the flow of where things are breaking down. If you focus on fixing these 3 things, it should solve the problem.”

And that’s when it happened.

She cried harder.

Lesson #1: Listening > Fixing

I was stumped. Here I was, offering a clear solution, and instead of feeling relieved, she cried harder. I didn’t know how to react.

Thankfully, she knew I meant well. Through her tears, she said something that changed my approach to management: “I just need you to listen. I don’t need you to fix this.”

It was such a simple request, but it hit me hard. I wasn’t giving her what she needed—I was giving her what I would have wanted. She didn’t need solutions; she needed space to express her feelings before solving the problems.

That moment was a turning point. Over time, we built a system that worked for both of us. Most of the time, we collaborated on solving problems. But when she just needed to share how she felt, she’d say: “JooBee, this time I just need you to listen.”

It was clear, direct and so helpful.

Lesson #2: Change takes time—and teamwork

One of the biggest myths about being a manager is that you need to have all the answers and adapt instantly to every challenge. Developing new habits and skills takes time.

I didn’t gain the skills I have today overnight. What helped me grow was leaning on my team. I told them what I was working on and asked for nudges if I slipped. 

You know what? They always did—with kindness and without judgment. Asking for help didn’t just make me a better manager; it strengthened our connection as a team.

Growth goes both ways

As managers, we often feel like we need to be the ones driving development for our teams. But here’s the truth: your team can help develop you, too.

If you’re a manager—new or experienced—remember that you don’t have to have all the answers, and you don’t have to figure it out alone. Be open to learning from your team, and don’t be afraid to ask for help when you’re building new skills.

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